Beast Machines No More
by StupidSequel
Summary: After the Maximals win the Beast Wars and are headed back to Cybertron, future Optimus warns them not to land on Cybertron or they will become part of the most controversial Transformers arc, so they turn around. The other Maximals don't listen and find their own way back. After not being satisfied with his fancy upgrade, Rattrap teases the Vok and they build another Planet Buster.


**Beast Machines No More**

Takes place after the end of Beast Wars, but in an alternate reality.

On the way back to Cybertron, the Maximals were playing Pokemon X and Y on their original Gameboys to pass the time until then.

"OPTIMUS! YOU HAVE TO TURN BACK!" A guy who looked and sounded sorta similar to Optimus Primal shouted. He was also much fatter, older, and uglier.

"Who are you?" Optimus asked menacingly, eyes narrowed.

"I am you from the future. And I have traveled back to your time to give you an urgent warning with very high stakes. The fate of our entire progeny is at stake. You and your fellow Maximals must not set foot on Cybertron. Turn back now, for if you guys land on Cybertron, you will become reformatted into ugly beings which are hard to take seriously, and thus beginning the most controversial Transformers series ever. Well, Cheetor and Blackarachnia will still look good, but Rattrap, you will become a clown's torso grafted onto a Segway," Rattrap laughed.

"Megatron looks like the result of GLaDOS fucking a trash can, Silverbolt somehow lost the wolf half of him and now looks like 7 from the movie 9. And I, well, you see how much weight I have gained." Optimus grabbed the control stick.

"We're turning this ship around and going back to Earth. I don't care if it gets destroyed by the Vok again, burning alive is still a better fate than being part of the most hated Transformers arc ever."

"What the hell, Optimus! I want to get into my sexy new body!" Cheetor raged.

"ME TOO!" Blackarachnia snarled.

"We Maximals must move as a unit. Either all of us go to Cybertron or none of us go. Since all of us going would result in the dreaded Beast Machines arc, all of us have to live our days on Earth!"

All the Maximals ganged up on Optimus, weapons drawn.

"Everybody, fire like the Predacons did at the beginning of Coming of the Fuzors part 2!" Cheetor commanded. Rhinox fired his thick battery-like guns, and everyone else fired their weapons too. Optimus was too weak to fight off the massive barrage of bullets and lasers, so he suffered the same fate as Waspinator.

"Oh, Optimusss doesn't feel so good," he said in his best Waspinator voice. All his limbs plus his head fell off. All the other Maximals then advanced on him and fired some more, just to make sure he was scrapped. Even after he was now nothing more than individual steel sheets, bolts, and wires, they still insisted on firing.

"Okay, I think Optimus is dead now," Rattrap cheered.

"Now we can fly this sexy baby back to Cyber-" Rattrap was interrupted by the ship crashing back down to Earth.

"SON OF A DINOBOT!" Rattrap cursed.

"Oh, Wazzpinator spy Rattrap and the other Maximals admitting defeat!" Waspinator said in his sing song voice.

"We had to come back because Optimus made us! I'm finding my own way back to Cybertron!" Cheetor said angrily with narrowed eyes while flipping the bird. The bird got motion sickness and flew away in an erratic pattern.

Megatron, in his dragon form, came off the ship.

"Oh come on!" He shouted. "I become a stowaway sequel hook and you decide to puss out at the last minute? Now I can never take over Cybertron and become God! God!" He said that last word in the voice of a valley girl.

"Oh," Rhinox shook his head. "Well, if this would mean Megatron gets to fulfill his dream of becoming God, then I guess we must stay on Earth.

"You too?" Rattrap gasped. "Has Optimus infected you with his brain washing virus or something?"

Several days later, the proto-humans were sick and tired of Waspinator. They were pissin' on him, puking on him, and pooping on him. They curled the tree back and loaded Waspinator on it, and then released the tree. "Wazzzpinator's blasting off again!" Waspinator said before disappearing into the sky in a faint twinkle in the sky. A bon fire appeared over Cheetor's head.

"I think we should annoy the heck out of the cave people here so they will eject us into space and possibly to Cybertron! Sexy beautiful, Casanova body, here I come!" Cheetor transformed to beast form and bit a person on the neck.

"Dude, just annoy them. Don't kill them!"

Cheetor desisted. "Google plus is awesome. Lauren kills Paul in the end. We need walkie talkies instead of guns. You're gonna be forever alone. X did it." Where X is the name of the killer in Agatha Christie's play 'The Mousetrap.' I don't wanna spoil it for the readers. You know what? I change my mind. I think I will anyway. It was me, the author. I killed the heck out of whoever died in The Mousetrap. That was the final straw.

The humans gung up on Cheetor, loaded him on the tree, and let it go like a catapult. Cheetor flew through the air with all the grace of a drunk whale flying a Led Zeppelin. It was Rattrap's turn to annoy the cave humans.

"I hope gas goes up to $12.00 a gallon. Ash is the final boss in Pokemon Gold and Silver."

The humans ganged up on Rattrap.

"RATCRAP! WELCOME TO DIE!" They hurled Rattrap into space in the same way as Cheetor and Waspinator.

"I'm good," Rhinox said. "I look pretty damn good already. In fact, maybe I can steal Blackarachnia away from Silverbolt." Just as he said that, Blackarachnia and Silverbolt were blasting off.

"Son of a Beast Machine!" Rhinox was the only Maximal left on Earth.

Rattrap, Silverbolt, Blackarachnia, and Cheetor landed on Cybertron . Actually, more like went splat. But it's okay because they're robots.

"Hey, can I sell you some silverware?"

"GET THAT SPOON AWAY FROM ME YOU FRIGGIN PSYCHO!" Silverbolt ran for dear life away from the spoon wielding mall salesperson. "Okay, I give." Silverbolt took the spoon and the wolf half of him promtply died, cuz, you know, it was silver, so just the eagle part remained now. "Aw dammit!"

A second planet buster was in the sky, primed and ready to be aimed at Cybertron.

"No matter where we are, we just can't get away from the Big Brother Vok." The death ray that emanated from the planet buster burned up everything it touched. Future Optimus came back.

"You have to let that thing destroy the planet or else someone will have to somehow detonate it, and then it will send out another quantum surge, mutating us into the freakish narmy looking Beast Machines robots that we become! You shouldn't have even set foot on Cybertron!" Future Optimus warned.

"Suck my balls, Kyle," Rattrap said in his best Cartman voice.

"Fine. If you're not gonna listen to my advice, see for yourself how disfigured you will look."

"Well, if I don't like my Beast Machine form, I will just use whatever you used to travel back in time and warn past me not to set foot on Cybertron. It will all work out either way." Optimus face palmed.

"Good luck waiting that long because the time machine will not be invented until 3099, and by then fans of Beast Wars will hate Beast Machines enough to be willing to break copyright laws just to rewrite the entire continuity to their liking. It's Orwellian, that's what it is."

"I can wait." Rattrap said.

"Well, okay." Future Optimus disappeared.

"Well, time to find some unlucky sap to sacrifice him or herself to eliminate that planet buster threatening to destroy Cybertron."

"One two three not it," the Maximals said roughly in chorus. Waspinator was the last one to say it.

"Fine." Waspinator lamented. The Maximals's efforts trying to force Waspinator into the stasis pod were like our efforts to force our cat into the kennel when it's time to take him or her to the vet. During that whole scene Yackety Sax was playing.

Finally they trapped him in and duct taped the lid shut, followed by layers upon layers of Loctite super glue.

"Wazzpinator needs to go to the bathroom."

"You should have went before volunteering for this mission." Blackarachnia said sternly.

"And besides, robots don't go to the bathroom." Silverbolt added.

"Oh, that's right. Wazzpinator forgot." Waspinator no longer needed to go to the bathroom.

Up and up the stasis pod went, and the doomsday device armed to the stasis pod went off without a hitch, killing Waspinator, who so valiantly sacrificed his own life for the good of Cybertron. The Quantum Surge ran off. And now, the Quantum Surge.

"I can't wait to see what my new gorgeous body will look like. I bet it will look better than my sexy orange scalp and light blue body. Future Optimus must have been huffing mushrooms or some shit like that." It was raining Quantum Surge stuff. All the Maximals were glowing.

And then…

Rattrap looked in a mirror.

"I like my new rat form. Rattrap, maximize!" Rattrap transformed. He saw his new robot form and was in utter shock. "WHAT THE FUCK!" Rattrap couldn't believe it. "I look like half a clown grafted onto a Segway. Oh man, Optimus was right! We shouldn't have set foot on Cybertron! Well, nothing to do now but to wait till 3099. Erm, what year is it now?"

"About 65 million B.C." Silverbolt answered.

"Slippin rippin dang fang, rotten zarg, barg-a-ding dong!" Rattrap cursed. "I gotta wait whatever 65 million plus 3099 is years? Screw dat! Imma freeze myself like Cartman did in that one South Park episode!"

Rattap traveled to Cybertron's north pole, holding a pizza. Don't ask me how he became a pizza delivery boy, I don't even know.

"Pizza delivery for," Rattrap flipped open the note and slowly read the name. "Mike Litoris. Oh, very funny whoever wrote this!" Rattrap ate the pizza, dug himself in the snow and stayed there, and went to sleep.

He was woken up by global warming, which melted the ice.

"Slag fag!" Rattrap cursed. "Hmmm, maybe if I start another Quantum Surge, maybe my next upgrade will look better. I hope this upgrade was just a simple mistake." Rattrap put up a middle finger to the sky. "This is to you, Vok!" He then bent over and mooned the sky. "This is also to you, stupid Vok!" Sure enough, the Vok built a replacement planet buster ready to destroy Cybertron.

"A ha."

Rattrap went back to the other Maximals.

"One two three not it," Silverbolt was the last one.

"Aw dang, I gotta sacrifice myself now. Shucks!"

"Don't worry, seven." Backarachnia said. "After you die an agonizing death from being blown apart, it's just a simple matter of fishing your spark out from heaven and putting it in a blank protoform, turning you into a surprise upgraded form, like Optimus." Silverbolt licked his lips. He climbed into the stasis pod, which was promptly super glued shut so he couldn't bail, and it was armed with many an explosive.

The stasis pod armed with explosives destroyed the planet buster, and Silverbolt, and sure enough, yet another Quantum Surge was headed this way.

Cheetor was in front of the mirror, being all narcissistic as he was admiring his upgrade, possibly for one last time.

"YOLO slag! I don't want a new upgrade! I'm fine with this body. If it ain't broke, don't fix it," Cheetor lamented as he was glowing while the Quantum Surge stuff rained on him.

After the Quantum Surge, Rattrap looked in the mirror again. "Slag. I look like a Disney character. When I'm ugly even in beast mode, I know something is wrong. I'm almost afraid to transform." He looked something like near the end of The Great Mouse Detective when Professor Ratigan went all psycho and feral while on the clock. "Maximize." He transformed anyway. Rattrap now looked even worse, like an abstract piece of art made by a blind kid messing with paint by numbers. His head was on his crotch and his Segway now had pentagonal wheels. His arms were gone. Cheetor was no longer his Casanova self. He looked like whale barf.

After a third Cybertronian Quantum Surge, this time with Blackarachnia gone, all two of the existing Maximals looked ugly enough that your eyes would bleed and you would puke so I dare not describe them cuz I am not purchasing a number of laptops equal to the number of views this fanfic gets.

"Rat Crap, please stop with the angering the Vok, sacrificing random members of our party and the repeated Quantum Surges. You should know by now that if it ain't broke, don't fix it!" Cheetor scolded. "And we need to figure out a way to get off of Cybertron and into our regular, pre-Beast Machines bodies."

"Yup." Rattrap finally agreed. "Upgrades will only get worse from here on. I can't wait for a time machine or freeze myself since global warming is a thing."

"Where's Waspinator? And where are all the Maximals? Surely they didn't travel back to Cybertron and ignore future Optimus's warning?" Megatron looked around. "SLAG FAG!" Megatron stormed out of the Predacon base and noticed the familiar tribe of humans.

"Scuse me. You wouldn't happen to have seen where the Maximals and Waspinator went, have you?"

"Oh, them?" The Neanderthal answered. "They annoyed the heck out of us, so we catapulted them aways using this tree."

"So that's how they must have gone to Cybertron." Megatron mused. "SO THERE IS A WAY! Now I can become God!" Megatron laughed in an evil way.

The humans huddled together and whispered. "I think we may have found our method of space travel. Earth is too mainstream."

"Totally."

"What are you, a hipster?"

"One two three not it."

"Aw dang, I lost!" Una pouted. She pulled a seed from the tree, loaded herself onto the tree, and the other humans pulled the tree back and she went blasting off like Team Rocket.

"Out of my way!" Megatron cut to the front of the line. "WHEEEE! Yeeees!" Megatron squealed gaily and then said his usual vocal tic.

He landed on Cybertron. "Okey, now what?" Una landed a few feet away from him. She put the seed on the ground and spit on it.

Some unspecified number of cycles later, it grew into a tree. Una grabbed a seed off of that tree and flung herself off of Cybertron, probably tired of being there. "Saturn, here I come."

"The Maximals must not know about this latest development! I must destroy this tree so they will be forced to suffer through my totalitarian regime as God, and I shall do that by devouring all the sparks. But then if I do that, I will get quite the beer belly. Well, I guess some sacrifices are worth it. But if I destroy this tree, then how will I be able to travel from planet to planet if I ever need to? Well, maybe if the Maximal-" He was interrupted by Rattrap and Cheetor aiming their weapons at Megatron.

"Don't even think about destroying that tree, wigga!" Cheetor said. Rattrap got several seeds off of it. "Okay, you do what you want now."

Megatron opened fire on the tree, blowing it to smithereens. Rattrap was laying down seeds and spitting on them. The trees grew faster than Megatron could destroy them. It was like Whack-a-Mole.

"Fine. I'm getting reformatted."

After getting reformatted, Megatron looked in the mirror.

"Oh Primus dammit! I look like a trash can!"

The Maximals had flung themselves off of Cybertron and Rattrap got into the machine, the same one Rhinox used to bring Optimus back, and fished out Silverbolt, Blackarachnia, and Waspinator's sparks. They were brought back as Transmetal 4 Blackarachnia, Transmetal 2 Silverbolt, and he only brought back Waspinator so he can be the chew toy more. Waspinator was the only one brought back without a fancy transmetal upgrade.

Cheetor and Rattrap went on a long journey to find spare parts from their past forms that were lost in battles, disassembled themselves, and turned into their pre-Beast Machines forms using the spare parts they added onto themselves (Transmetal Rattrap and Transmetal 2 Cheetor). After that they reassembled Optimus and braced themselves for a severe punishment. And severe punishment they got. Optimus rounded up all the Maximals in the Maximal base, headed toward Cybertron, dropped them off, and headed back to Earth.

Meanwhile...

"It's no fun being God if I can't torture the Maximals and if I look like a trash can! AND IF I CAN'T FRIGGIN MOVE!" Megatron pouted. As if on cue, a giant dump truck poured several tons of trash on him.

Just as Optimus got back to Earth, he was greeted by the other Maximals. The look on his face was priceless.


End file.
